Why Aren’t You Allie?
And no, I don’t mean MY Allie. I mean Allie from “The Notebook”.
For a very long time I have avoided that movie, that book by Nicholas Sparks. Even though people kept telling me I should watch it/read it, because it was so like you and me. Or maybe that’s why I avoided it.
Anyway, I watched it tonight, with my friend, Rachel. (My sister was worried about me watching it alone in case it really upset me.) We watched it.
At first, I kinda identified more with Allie. I know you always thought you weren’t good enough for me, that somehow I was “above you” in some psychotic, social caste kind of way. And I know certain family members increased that feeling for you. But, I mean, who were they to act that way? Grandma B was a dance hall girl from St. Joe! Grandma G and Grandaddy were drinkers who ran a bar in Ocean View! WTF?? So, I mean, who were they to be judgmental of you?
As the movie went on, though, I realized that really, I am more like Noah.
I never left you. You left me.
I never forgot you. You forgot me.
I never denied you. You denied me.
Everything in my life has been about you in one way or another. I have never allowed myself to love because I love you, nor have I allowed myself to be loved – in case you ever came back for me. The only real love I ever accepted was from Alex, my son, whom I shaped into your image as much as I could. Even his eyes – so blue/grey – over which I had no control, are like yours: intense, penetrating. And he was born rubbing his thumbnail, always rubbed mine, just like you used to.
Whenever you contacted me over the years, did I ever say, “Don’t talk to me. Go away.”?
Nope.
I have never abandoned you. Just as Noah never abandoned Allie – not in mind or heart or deed. Ever. (I’m like the grandparents in the old Shirley Temple movie, The Bluebird, am only alive/awake when you think of me.)
She – Allie – lost faith in him. As you did in me – or maybe you never had it to begin with, I don’t know anymore.
She actually fell totally in love with someone else. As did you.
But – at least she came to Noah to clear things up BEFORE it was totally too late. At least she wanted to make sure before she went on. And at least she was brave enough to tell her fiancee:
“I just know that when I am with you, Lon, I feel like one person and when I am with Noah I feel like someone else.” And she knew which person she preferred to be.
The movie didn’t really upset me as much as everyone worried it would…until the argument they had when Allie wasn’t sure what she wanted and went to see her fiancee at the hotel (we had that same argument/discussion), and then when Allie came back to Noah after she was honest with her fiancee and admitted that while she loved him, Noah was her heart and soul.
And then when they died at the end…I cried a lot.
Remember these words?
“And when they were old, they would sleep entangled together and wake on the gloomiest of days with complicit nefarious smiles. And all the storms in the heavens could rage outside, but they would never know anything of loneliness or anger or pain. And when they died, it was on the same day, and at the same instant. They were kissing.”
Why, oh why, aren’t you Allie?
The White Rose 
2010/02/03 at 00:55
See its just the possibility of letting down someone like that which makes me want to not even get into a relationship. Im not sure i want to watch that movie sounds pretty sad. Still i love the way your write. It leaps.
2010/02/03 at 02:03
thank you! but the movie is actually really, really great, and not so sad. allie is much smarter than my former love and made the correct, honest choices, unlike michael. so…don’t think like that, just be conscious of being true to yourself. if you love someone, then that’s what really matters. if you don’t love them, though, you shouldn’t keep pulling them back to you over and over, you should let them try to go on with their lives. and NOT thirty-plus years later as my michael did….see the difference?
2010/02/03 at 10:26
For sure, in fear of the “going back and forth” co dependency rubber band i decided to sever all comunication with my ex. You know how usually after a couple breaks up they get back together and start that dance? Well i had that happen to me with a particularly psycotic woman some years before and i decided to never fall into that black hole again. Interestingly enough my ex got married to some dude 9 months latter.
I will take your advice, but i do consider myself “damaged goods”. THe mention of me wanting to leave her would create this HUGE guilt trip attack…”so what have been doing for 3 years? Have you been wasting my time, ive given you so much and now you want to leave?” i mean i was trying to be honest but the idea of hurting her feelings made me unable to break up. One day i made up my mind and told her it was over. It was very painfull but i dont regret it. It had to be done. She is now happlily married and lives in Europe with some rich guy who pays for everything… which i guess its what she ultimately wanted.
2010/02/03 at 18:51
ah, therein lies the rub my friend: someone’s feelings will be hurt. either way. i have never been good at doing what is best for me, have always always been determined to do what i believed others wanted/needed or what i thought was best for them. that is the only way i could end either of my marriages. with my first husband i decided i no longer needed to be hit, belittled and demeaned by a drunk. with my second husband…he was a good man. we were married eighteen years. he loved me, in his way. but…he was too distant, too emotionally closed for me — and i realized that i loved him but not like i should and he deserved better. he was not getting from me what he should get from a loved one, from his wife. he is remarried now and is actually happy. i am , of course, alone. but i would rather be alone — even if i am unhappy — than continue to live a lie. that’s what it came down to. it wasn’t fair to him. to me. to our son. so, as much as it hurt (him and me both) i had to say it, had to leave. he was crushed, it was bad. but now, he is very fine and we get along very well. i even like his new wife a great deal and she likes me. so, he said all those same things to me — and more — and it was one of the hardest things i have ever done (my whole family, along with his) turned against me and chastised me and kicked me to the curb. but i believed i was doing what was right — for him and for me. and for our son. what was i teaching him if i stayed? it’s all so complicated.
everyone has to deal with things in the best way they know how. my way may not work for you and yours may not work for me – my way certainly didn’t work for my michael – and that’s okay. i wasn’t trying to tell you what to do…again, sorry if i came across as a know-it-all type. have a great night!
2010/02/03 at 21:23
You never come across as a know it all. And yes, it sounds very complicated. But it seems that you chose correctly. You rock. Bigest bunch of good vibes for you and have a super great night!