Pretty Pathetic, huh?

Posted in life story, Ramblings, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 2016/02/24 by R L Burns

It is still so very weird to me that I actually believed all the things he said to me.  And even weirder that it sill bothers me so much nearly seven years later.  I feel utterly stupid that I didn’t get it that it was all a lie – but, you should know that it’s not ALL my fault; he was really good at the lie.  There’s a song by the band Seether in which the singer states:

You keep living in your own lie
                                                 Ever deceitful and ever unfaithful
                                                 Keep me guessing, keep me terrified
                                                 Take everything from my world

That pretty much sums up how I feel/felt/whatever.  Ridiculously, in retrospect, I thought I was much smarter than that; that no one could fool me so completely.  Well, now I know that I was wrong on that count, too.

You know, I guess it’s okay that it bothered – and bothers – me.  I mean, I believed he was the love of my life since I was a teenager.  In a way I only got involved with people who were, in a sense, disposable.  Not too flattering – for them or me.  I judged my feelings with everyone by my feelings for him, and their feelings for me by the way he had felt about me.  Comparing is never a good practice, I know, but I didn’t know I was doing it.  Well, I knew it, but I didn’t understand how MUCH I was doing it, nor how negatively it was impacting every romantic relationship of my entire life.  I can see it now, of course; I mean, don’t they say that hindsight is 20/20?  Yepper.  Definitely 20/20.

Even knowing all that now, though, I still don’t understand how I could be so taken in. Where were the signs that it was a lie?  Maybe…well, could’ve been the small amount of time he was able to carve out for me after I drove over one thousand miles to spend time with him.  Yeah, I guess that was a clue.  I’d be there a week and spend 80% of my time alone.  I guess that was a big sign, yes?  But when he was with me, he was WITH me.  Loving me, crying, begging…and when I was away from him, there were hundreds of phone calls, thousands of texts.  I mean, why would he do all of that if he was lying?  That’s what I couldn’t figure out.  Unless, maybe, he WAS just trying to be kind to me – in a weird-wrong-twisted kind of way.  He said later that he did it because he felt guilty that I had loved him so long.  I had loved him.  Hmmmm….and that he had not been in love with me since nearly fifteen years earlier when he wanted to be with me but I said no — he had a child and one on the way.  How could I break that up? I couldn’t, so I sent him back to her and the children, knowing that was the right thing to do – and knowing that he would, in the end, hate me if he left his family and then wasn’t close to them.  For a while I tried to believe that he was just saying all that about lying, that really he was a coward and just couldn’t pull the trigger.  But I suppose I was wrong, and he really didn’t love me any longer.  That is a horrible thing to accept…I kept others at arm’s length and never allowed myself to be happy because I was in love with him.  When I believed we finally had a real chance at the happily ever after we both claimed to have always wanted…well, I was deliriously happy.  And then I wasn’t.

And I am still not.

I still stand by my belief, though, that if he KNEW, the first time we saw each other again, that he didn’t feel the same about me, it would have been much kinder and much, much less disillusioning if he had thrown a pity fuck or two my way and then a tearful farewell. That, I would have held close to my heart with a tear and a smile.

Instead I am left with…nothing.

 

 

where are you now?

Posted in Loss of Hope with tags , , , , , , on 2015/06/01 by R L Burns

where are you now

my dear –

are you somewhere you

can hear

my cries?  my thoughts?

i don’t know what

to do –

am i supposed to just

give up?

I’m Not Sure It Ever Ends…

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , , , , , on 2015/06/01 by R L Burns

“Four years”, she said.  “Things will not be settled between you two for at thee – no, four – years.  Sorry.” She followed her words with a sad smile that tried to look hopeful. Well, it has been six years now and it is still unsettled.  For me, anyway.

It has been a long time since the Magician came to me.  And then, it was mostly in dreams.

The first time I saw him, I was twelve.  I dreamed of him as an angel.  Little did I know then that he was really a demon, a minion of Satan, who would eventually swallow me whole.  Destroy me.  Murder me….

It began innocently enough, like I said, with a dream.  He claimed to be an angel sent to protect me.

— This is a work in progress.  It will take some time.

The Danger of Being a Good Teacher

Posted in Ramblings, Sharing with tags , , , , , , , on 2015/02/25 by R L Burns

i just watched a show called “Obsession:  Dark Desires”.  The episode revolved around a special education teacher and one of her students.  She taught in a high school and one of her students, named Todd, became obsessed with her.  He did not want anyone else to teach him.  He refused to leave her classroom.  He yelled at her. He harassed her at home through phone calls and threats.  Ultimately he decided she needed to die because she was no longer his teacher.  In the end, he drove his truck through her house, nearly killing her daughter and her dog.  it was very scary.

Over the twenty-one years i have been a special educator, I have had many close relationships with students – some of them have spent time at my home or accompanied me to special events.  I grew up watching “Welcome Back, Kotter”  and decided then that if I was ever a teacher, I wanted my students to be that comfortable with me.  My students were always welcome to have my cell phone number in case they needed to reach me – and I have had two students who have called me when they ran away, enabling me to go pick them up and take them home.  I had one family that would call me and ask me if i could come over to get the daughter out of bed so she would come to school.  I’ve had a student slash my tires.  Another two or three have threatened to kill me.  Primarily, though, my students have loved me and felt comfortable with me.  And I have always been proud of that.  This show, however, made me wonder if perhaps these are not the best policies…

As a teacher, you walk a fine line.  Your students need to feel respected by you if you want respect to be returned.  But how close is too close?  I will really have to think about that now.

It’s Been a While…

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , , on 2014/11/19 by R L Burns

It’s been a long time since I posted anything on this site – or anywhere, for that matter.  I’ve been quite ill off and on, had three surgeries in the past two years…I just haven’t seemed to have the energy to put into anything other than feeling better and working.  I realized tonight that I actually miss writing – here or anywhere – so I think I will pick it up again.  Or try, anyway.  In the past I was seething with emotional turmoil and there appeared to be no end of things about which I could write.  Nowadays I feel rather…flat.  I don’t know if I can even do this anymore.  Hopefully I will be able to come up with something interesting to say.  I will think about it and write a new post.  Please be patient with me as I try to relocate my voice.  Depression and self-destruction nearly silenced it for good a couple of years ago.  Perhaps I can find it again.  Cheers to all!!

Follow Up to “Don’t Say His Name”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 2012/07/24 by R L Burns

I am heartened, greatly, by something I see happening.  On CNN, they are NOT saying his name.  I just watched Alex Teves father, best friend, and girlfriend (whom Alex died saving) on Anderson Cooper.  Mr. Teves was fabulous and challenged the media to stop talking about him – or other murderers – and talk only about the victims.  He said what I wrote the other night:  that let’s make it so everyone remembers the names of the VICTIMS, not the coward who attacked them.  Anderson replied that CNN was purposely working not to do that, and he agreed with Mr. Teves sentiments.  Sadly, other channels are not following this example, but I am so happy to hear people saying that we need to do what we can to stop the madness by not giving them the attention it seems they so crave.

Maybe there is some hope for us after all. 

I am so saddened by all of this, but heartened by the refusal of many to give that coward the attention he so does not deserve.

DON’T SAY HIS NAME

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 2012/07/21 by R L Burns

killing people in a movie theatre…what???  the place where you go to escape and then there is no escape?  what is going on in this world?

if it is true that one of the primary motives for the majority of these mass murderers is fame, then don’t keep saying this guy’s name.  quit showing his picture.  don’t give him what he wants.  i get it that everyone wants to know who did it and why…but quit giving these murderers what they want by talking about them 24/7.    and don’t give them “cool sounding” nicknames.  don’t do it.  talk about the jackass who did something horrendous, or the dick…don’t turn these people into paris hilton or the kardashians — people who are famous for bad behavior and nothing else.  don’t make this man – and others like him – some sort of brilliant, media-motivated anti-hero.  remember alfred’s words to batman?  there are just some men who want to watch the world burn.  that’s true, but quit talking about that ass.

talk instead about veronica – only six years old, gordon, jesse, alex teves, aj, jonathan, jon, matt, mikeyla, jessica, rebecca, and alex sullivan, who died on his twenty-seventh birthday, and the day before his wedding anniversary.

DO NOT say that killer’s name.

DO say the other names.  let’s see if, for once, a year from now, we can all recall the names of the victims instead of only remembering the name of the jerk who killed them.