Archive for love

Pretty Pathetic, huh?

Posted in life story, Ramblings, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 2016/02/24 by R L Burns

It is still so very weird to me that I actually believed all the things he said to me.  And even weirder that it sill bothers me so much nearly seven years later.  I feel utterly stupid that I didn’t get it that it was all a lie – but, you should know that it’s not ALL my fault; he was really good at the lie.  There’s a song by the band Seether in which the singer states:

You keep living in your own lie
                                                 Ever deceitful and ever unfaithful
                                                 Keep me guessing, keep me terrified
                                                 Take everything from my world

That pretty much sums up how I feel/felt/whatever.  Ridiculously, in retrospect, I thought I was much smarter than that; that no one could fool me so completely.  Well, now I know that I was wrong on that count, too.

You know, I guess it’s okay that it bothered – and bothers – me.  I mean, I believed he was the love of my life since I was a teenager.  In a way I only got involved with people who were, in a sense, disposable.  Not too flattering – for them or me.  I judged my feelings with everyone by my feelings for him, and their feelings for me by the way he had felt about me.  Comparing is never a good practice, I know, but I didn’t know I was doing it.  Well, I knew it, but I didn’t understand how MUCH I was doing it, nor how negatively it was impacting every romantic relationship of my entire life.  I can see it now, of course; I mean, don’t they say that hindsight is 20/20?  Yepper.  Definitely 20/20.

Even knowing all that now, though, I still don’t understand how I could be so taken in. Where were the signs that it was a lie?  Maybe…well, could’ve been the small amount of time he was able to carve out for me after I drove over one thousand miles to spend time with him.  Yeah, I guess that was a clue.  I’d be there a week and spend 80% of my time alone.  I guess that was a big sign, yes?  But when he was with me, he was WITH me.  Loving me, crying, begging…and when I was away from him, there were hundreds of phone calls, thousands of texts.  I mean, why would he do all of that if he was lying?  That’s what I couldn’t figure out.  Unless, maybe, he WAS just trying to be kind to me – in a weird-wrong-twisted kind of way.  He said later that he did it because he felt guilty that I had loved him so long.  I had loved him.  Hmmmm….and that he had not been in love with me since nearly fifteen years earlier when he wanted to be with me but I said no — he had a child and one on the way.  How could I break that up? I couldn’t, so I sent him back to her and the children, knowing that was the right thing to do – and knowing that he would, in the end, hate me if he left his family and then wasn’t close to them.  For a while I tried to believe that he was just saying all that about lying, that really he was a coward and just couldn’t pull the trigger.  But I suppose I was wrong, and he really didn’t love me any longer.  That is a horrible thing to accept…I kept others at arm’s length and never allowed myself to be happy because I was in love with him.  When I believed we finally had a real chance at the happily ever after we both claimed to have always wanted…well, I was deliriously happy.  And then I wasn’t.

And I am still not.

I still stand by my belief, though, that if he KNEW, the first time we saw each other again, that he didn’t feel the same about me, it would have been much kinder and much, much less disillusioning if he had thrown a pity fuck or two my way and then a tearful farewell. That, I would have held close to my heart with a tear and a smile.

Instead I am left with…nothing.

 

 

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where are you now?

Posted in Loss of Hope with tags , , , , , , on 2015/06/01 by R L Burns

where are you now

my dear –

are you somewhere you

can hear

my cries?  my thoughts?

i don’t know what

to do –

am i supposed to just

give up?

I’m Not Sure It Ever Ends…

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , , , , , on 2015/06/01 by R L Burns

“Four years”, she said.  “Things will not be settled between you two for at thee – no, four – years.  Sorry.” She followed her words with a sad smile that tried to look hopeful. Well, it has been six years now and it is still unsettled.  For me, anyway.

It has been a long time since the Magician came to me.  And then, it was mostly in dreams.

The first time I saw him, I was twelve.  I dreamed of him as an angel.  Little did I know then that he was really a demon, a minion of Satan, who would eventually swallow me whole.  Destroy me.  Murder me….

It began innocently enough, like I said, with a dream.  He claimed to be an angel sent to protect me.

— This is a work in progress.  It will take some time.

The Danger of Being a Good Teacher

Posted in Ramblings, Sharing with tags , , , , , , , on 2015/02/25 by R L Burns

i just watched a show called “Obsession:  Dark Desires”.  The episode revolved around a special education teacher and one of her students.  She taught in a high school and one of her students, named Todd, became obsessed with her.  He did not want anyone else to teach him.  He refused to leave her classroom.  He yelled at her. He harassed her at home through phone calls and threats.  Ultimately he decided she needed to die because she was no longer his teacher.  In the end, he drove his truck through her house, nearly killing her daughter and her dog.  it was very scary.

Over the twenty-one years i have been a special educator, I have had many close relationships with students – some of them have spent time at my home or accompanied me to special events.  I grew up watching “Welcome Back, Kotter”  and decided then that if I was ever a teacher, I wanted my students to be that comfortable with me.  My students were always welcome to have my cell phone number in case they needed to reach me – and I have had two students who have called me when they ran away, enabling me to go pick them up and take them home.  I had one family that would call me and ask me if i could come over to get the daughter out of bed so she would come to school.  I’ve had a student slash my tires.  Another two or three have threatened to kill me.  Primarily, though, my students have loved me and felt comfortable with me.  And I have always been proud of that.  This show, however, made me wonder if perhaps these are not the best policies…

As a teacher, you walk a fine line.  Your students need to feel respected by you if you want respect to be returned.  But how close is too close?  I will really have to think about that now.

Table for Two

Posted in Ramblings with tags , on 2011/06/29 by R L Burns

 

music floats through the air

from the open window

swirling around in the breeze

climbing lazily toward the stars

on the coattails of cigarette smoke

drifting slowly from the ashtray

on the table

 

the tune continues to weave

through the leaves of the trees

yet somehow leaves the listener unmoved

leaning back, staring up,

she can almost see the music rise –

she feels its pull but resists

preferring instead to sit there, alone,

at the table

 

alone at a table for two

 

 

I Wonder

Posted in Loss of Hope, Poetry with tags , , on 2011/05/25 by R L Burns

i wonder …

where you are

how you are

what you are

hope you’re happy

hope you’re not

wonder if you give a thought

to what once was

and what might have been

a place we will never see again…

I Don’t Deserve Her

Posted in Loss of Hope, Poetry with tags , , on 2011/05/25 by R L Burns

I don’t deserve her,

But I thank God for her,

My Princess, My Lady.

 

Her smile thrills me

Her kisses still me

Her touch destroys me —

The love in her eyes

Humbles me

As nothing else can.

 

I’m the world’s biggest loser –

And yet, she loves me,

No matter what stupendously idiotic

Thing I do –

No matter how often I desert her,

Run away from her,

Blame her for all the ills in my life.

 

She sees inside me, to my core –

Her ability to do so terrifies me,

For from her alone I cannot hide  –  She

Knows I am weak and afraid,

A true coward and frighteningly cruel,

Untrustworthy and unreliable –

At least when it comes to her –

 

She cries at night, alone in her bed

And lives without me

For years at a time…

 

And yet, each time I call to her,

Each time I crawl to her on bended knee,

Each time I beg her forgiveness

And profess my love for her anew —

She doesn’t recoil.

 

Instead, she opens her arms to me,

Holds me and loves me with all that she is,

Builds me up – asking nothing in return –

And then silently fades away,

A trembling smile of encouragement on her face

To patiently wait for my next return.

No matter how long it takes.

 

I don’t deserve her at all —

And she certainly deserves better than me —

But I think I would die if she no longer loved me,

If I could not believe that she is out there,

Waiting for me still.

 

See,

I am the biggest,

most selfish,

loser ever.

Truly.