Why Aren’t You Allie?
And no, I don’t mean MY Allie. I mean Allie from “The Notebook”.
For a very long time I have avoided that movie, that book by Nicholas Sparks. Even though people kept telling me I should watch it/read it, because it was so like you and me. Or maybe that’s why I avoided it.
Anyway, I watched it tonight, with my friend, Rachel. (My sister was worried about me watching it alone in case it really upset me.) We watched it.
At first, I kinda identified more with Allie. I know you always thought you weren’t good enough for me, that somehow I was “above you” in some psychotic, social caste kind of way. And I know certain family members increased that feeling for you. But, I mean, who were they to act that way? Grandma B was a dance hall girl from St. Joe! Grandma G and Grandaddy were drinkers who ran a bar in Ocean View! WTF?? So, I mean, who were they to be judgmental of you?
As the movie went on, though, I realized that really, I am more like Noah.
I never left you. You left me.
I never forgot you. You forgot me.
I never denied you. You denied me.
Everything in my life has been about you in one way or another. I have never allowed myself to love because I love you, nor have I allowed myself to be loved – in case you ever came back for me. The only real love I ever accepted was from Alex, my son, whom I shaped into your image as much as I could. Even his eyes – so blue/grey – over which I had no control, are like yours: intense, penetrating. And he was born rubbing his thumbnail, always rubbed mine, just like you used to.
Whenever you contacted me over the years, did I ever say, “Don’t talk to me. Go away.”?
I have never abandoned you. Just as Noah never abandoned Allie – not in mind or heart or deed. Ever. (I’m like the grandparents in the old Shirley Temple movie, The Bluebird, am only alive/awake when you think of me.)
She – Allie – lost faith in him. As you did in me – or maybe you never had it to begin with, I don’t know anymore.
She actually fell totally in love with someone else. As did you.
But – at least she came to Noah to clear things up BEFORE it was totally too late. At least she wanted to make sure before she went on. And at least she was brave enough to tell her fiancee:
“I just know that when I am with you, Lon, I feel like one person and when I am with Noah I feel like someone else.” And she knew which person she preferred to be.
The movie didn’t really upset me as much as everyone worried it would…until the argument they had when Allie wasn’t sure what she wanted and went to see her fiancee at the hotel (we had that same argument/discussion), and then when Allie came back to Noah after she was honest with her fiancee and admitted that while she loved him, Noah was her heart and soul.
And then when they died at the end…I cried a lot.
Remember these words?
“And when they were old, they would sleep entangled together and wake on the gloomiest of days with complicit nefarious smiles. And all the storms in the heavens could rage outside, but they would never know anything of loneliness or anger or pain. And when they died, it was on the same day, and at the same instant. They were kissing.”
Why, oh why, aren’t you Allie?