I sent you this dream exactly a week before you “broke up” with me. I asked you what you thought it meant, and you said,
“It means they are beaten. I love you, baby girl. TNA”
Just out of curiosity, how did that change in one week???
you. running everywhere: your house, your son’s school, your work, your folks’ house, your older son’s, the bluff, bars, pool halls, grocery store, hospitals. just running without end, ultimately your hair, literally, on fire. you are wearing down and looking sick and unhappy.
around the edges of my vision are shadows. they are dancing with glee, intermittent bonfires strewn throughout. they are calling to their brothers. as the number of shadows increase, so do the number of fires you are required to put out. you are looking more and more weary, sick and dejected.
i am watching. i want to go to you, to help you, but the gathering of shadows is so dense now that i cannot see a way through them. finally i find a small space and squeeze through. i can still hear them laughing and celebrating. i am quiet as i move toward you – you are not far from me – when one of the shadows detaches itself from the group and stands infront of me. in a voice that is somehow repulsive and inviting at the same time, he tells me to stop. i ignore him and try to keep going but he stops me again – with that voice.
he tells me that it is hopeless, that they will keep throwing everything they can at you until you give up the mad idea of leaving them. he tells me that i should go away and leave you alone because i cause you nothing but pain and agony; that i am the REAL reason you are so weary and sad.
for a moment i waver – he has played on the one thing that could make me go away – and realizing this, i find the courage to ignore him. in truth, “he” is an androgynous thing, but i still think of it as a “him”. i put my hands on my hips and tell him he is a fucking liar; i am not the pain-bringer, they are, and i demand they leave you alone.
he laughs at me and calls me a stupid, stupid, girl. he calls to his brothers and several of them leave the partying group – but not too many because they want to keep the boundaries around you fairly well monitored. they line up and stand between me and you.
i can still see you, sitting in your truck, sweating, near tears, near giving up. the sky above you is dark and roiling with clouds.
i am not afraid of them, am afraid only for you.
they begin some sort of chant.
i raise my hands to the sky, ignoring them, and call upon the light, the goodness, all the love in the universe, asking for protection for you, asking for your release from the shadows. at first nothing happens, then suddenly, stephanie and alex are beside me (one on either side), and their hands, too, are raised. we are saying some sort of chant (couldn’t tell you the words now).
suddenly there is a huge flash of the brightest, whitest light i have ever seen. the leader of the shadows is in total shock.
he asks me, “how is this possible?”
i tell him that you belong to us, that we claim you from the dark in the name of the light – the whole time he and i are talking, alex and stephanie continue chanting, arms upraised. a bright light begins to glow from both of them, and then from me.
yells and screams begin to echo from the shadows on the boundaries and the ones in front of us begin to look scared and begin shimmering, sort of. the leader tries to keep them in line but they are afraid. the light around steph, allie and me gets brighter and brighter. the boundary shadows start exploding. the lined up ones begin running. the light gets even brighter.
all of them explode until there is only the leader left infront of me. the three of us look at him. he yells at me that this isn’t over yet, and disappears.
over you, the sky clears as do your tears. you sit up in the truck and smile.
then i woke up.
If it didn’t mean they were beaten, what did it mean?