Archive for revenge

You Wanted to Know (aka Happy Valentine’s Day)

Posted in Ramblings, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 2010/02/14 by R L Burns

He lit a cigarette and leaned back from the computer.  He had been trying to write this for months, but could never seem to get it right.  Now, he decided, he didn’t care if he got it just right — ha! I’ll show her.  She always gave me shit about not wanting to commit anything to paper until it was perfect.  Well, now he wasn’t really concerned about that.  He needed to tell her.  Maybe if he did she would finally leave him alone.  Maybe.  But he wasn’t holding his breath on that.

He leaned over the keyboard and began typing…

You want to know why I did it, right?  Well, I’m going to tell you, and you aren’t going to like it, but, too bad. 

I couldn’t put up with your pressure anymore.  I loved you – I guess – and the life you offered me was tempting.  Someone who worshipped the ground I walked on, who would do anything for me, to me or with me.  What guy – especially a middle-aged one who had been married for twenty odd years – would not be tempted by that?  Yes, it was tempting, but it was not worth destroying everything else in my life, no matter how great the sex was, no matter how much you loved me, no matter how much I thought I wanted you.  You were like a dream to me.  A fantasy.  The proverbial “one who got away”.  Then I saw you and I admit it, I got caught up in the moment, caught up in  y0ur absolute love of me, your willingness to come here, to be my whore, to be whatever I wanted.  For once in my life I felt powerful.

I should have ended it sooner, but…well, I’m a man, and I admit it, I was caught in my sexual obsession with you.  Once you were gone for a while it wore off, though, and you wanted way more than I was willing to give you.  You were like a fucking mistress in a tv movie or a trash romance.  Gimme, gimme, gimme your time.  I couldn’t do it anymore.  So I ended it.  I wrote it because at that time I was afraid that if I spoke to you, you would use your wicked, wily ways to suck me back in.  That’s why I have avoided you totally.  To save myself.

I couldn’t handle the guilt of using you combined with the guilt of what I was doing to my family.  You know I am a coward, you’ve always known that — were maybe the only one who ever knew it.  I couldn’t stand that either, by the way.  I need to feel like I am strong.  With you, that never happens.  Something about you weakens me, can drive me to my knees.  I am too untrusting and insecure to handle that very well.  My life here, well, I’m the boss and that’s how I need it.

 I asked you to let me go.  But no, you kept writing to me.  Others read your letters and now everyone knows how fucked up I am and what I did.  I hate you for that. Actually, on some level, I think I have hated you since you came to our house in ’78.  Why do you think I told you to marry Jeff?  I wanted you to go away.  You were a bitch then, and you’re a bitch now.  You want it all your way and I quit playing your game.  So now you cry, cry, cry.  And you know, if you tried to kill yourself, that’s on you.  I refuse to take responsibility for that or even acknowledge it in any direct way.

I am sorry you are unhappy, but that’s too bad.  It’s your fault.  You shouldn’t have come to see me, shouldn’t have pulled me back into a teenage romance that was over decades ago.

I like my life.  Find a way to like yours. 

Oh, and by the way, Happy Valentine’s Day.

He read over what he had written and nodded.  He typed in her email address and hit “send”, then shut off the computer.

That should do it, he thought to himself, smiling.  Then he went in his bedroom to give his wife her Valentine’s Day gift.

 

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Car Wrecks, Family and Friends

Posted in life story, Ramblings with tags , , , , , on 2010/01/07 by R L Burns

Yesterday afternoon someone basically ran my mom off the road and she hit a tree.   Her car is totaled but she is not.  I am so grateful.  My stepfather and I took her for spine, etc., x-rays.  She was given some meds and sent home with us.  I spent the night with her last night and most of the day today.  I am so very thankful that she was not more seriously hurt.  We will have the x-ray results on Monday.  A young woman at the doctor’s office was worried about mom because she was in an accident in December and she felt okay so she did not go for any x-rays.  Three days later they x-rayed her and found she had broken her neck…So, we are nervous about the results but are hopeful — and incredibly glad and blessed that she seems to be relatively unscathed.

While at mom’s last night I had a phone message from my oldest friend, Melanie.  She didn’t know about mom’s wreck but said she had some bad news she thought I might want to know that she didn’t want to email or leave in a phone message, so would I please call her in the morning.  I wondered what it could be – she had made it clear it wasn’t about her or her husband or daughter, so…

I called her this morning.  She told me that Tuesday (the day before my mom’s wreck), someone with whom I was once very, very close was killed instantly in a car accident in a busy intersection here in Virginia Beach.  I was stunned – and saddened – and probably even more so given what had just happened with mom. 

Ken S., once, was my very, very good friend.  In high school he was unfailingly kind to me – and for most of junior high school, too, if I am honest. 

At one point in my senior year of high school we dated for a “few minutes”, but he…well, we had a falling out when he asked me – totally out of the blue one day – what I would do if Michael showed up again.  (He knew us back in junior high, you see; lived in Michael’s old neighborhood.)

My resonse was, “Please don’t ask me that question.” 

He insisted.

I answered truthfully.

He never forgave me and went on to do a few really, truly, awful things to pay me back for that admission.  I was sorry and saddened by it, really, because I liked him immensely and he was bossy and funny as junk and we got on really well as great friends.  So…it has been nearly twenty years since I have spoken to him; I saw him once at Melanie’s church about five years ago but walked away without saying a word to him.  I am sorry now I didn’t try and be…forgiving.  I had forgiven him I just didn’t want to talk to him or open that door again due to the things he had done to someone else close to me in his war of revenge on me — which is all irrelevant now, I’m just, I suppose, trying to justify why I did not speak to him.

I have learned over the years that he grew up to be a good man, charitable, kind, generous, still funny as junk — the same Ken I had known as a young girl.  I am glad of that, sorry of his hatred towards me back then.  And very, very, very sorry that he died in such an awful way and at such a young age. 

And somehow, I feel a little guilty at my first thought when Melanie told me:  I am sooo glad my mom is alive!  That didn’t mean that I was glad Ken was dead instead of her, but it did make the continued gift of her life so much clearer than it had been even the moment before.

Thank you – especially Dev, Greg, and Angel – for the wishes and support…Mom continues to mend.

And Ken…rest in peace, my old friend.