Archive for health

Reasons

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , , on 2010/04/05 by R L Burns

 

my inability to express,

to ANYONE,

in any meaningful way,

my reasons for wanting

to go to the midwest

is making me more insane than ever

somehow i failed to make amyone see

that for me,

it was all about taking a little bit of control

over a situation that has nearly been

my ruination

going there was, to me,

the way to close the iron door on IT,

instead of having it slammed on me.

i could go there and see the things i’d loved

and walk away from them, on my terms,

not someone else’s

but i was unable to convince anyone

that going made sense, is the only thing

that might allow me to put it all away,

put it in some sort of perspective with which i can live

and, hell, if i was going to kill myself,

which many seem to think

was my REAL reason for wanting to go,

i’d already be dead.

i had kind of thought that going

might help me live

and after a mini-stroke, well,

i wanted to go before the bigger one

after which it won’t be possible

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Does it ever end??

Posted in life story, Ramblings with tags , , , , on 2010/01/25 by R L Burns

really, you’d think, after all the past years of being ill that i would be used to it.  you’d think that – but you’d be wrong. 

you’d think, that after all the surgeries and visits to the very door of death over the past nine years i would no longer be surprised.  you’d think that – but you’d be wrong.

for days now, a massive, horrifyingly horrible headache has raged through my head.  the worst headache i have had in years — and i’ve had a few doozys! (is that even really a word or just something aunt bea used to say on the andy griffith show?)  my neck has been stiff, my vision blurry; lights and sounds are crushing.  but the pain was all over, not centered to one side like a normal migraine.  no pain killer in my fairly large arsenal even touched it. so today i went to the doctor.  couldn’t stand it anymore.

probably a migraine she said as she shot me up with toridol.  ah, at last, a little relief.  but maybe not, she muttered. 

she gave me somed scripts and a couple of samples and sent me home with a note for work to stay home tomorrow, too.  if my headache isn’t better tomorrow, it’s off to the imaging place i go for an mri – let’s just make sure it’s not an aneurysm or anything else…whatever.

how could everything in my life have been turning around to wonderful just a little over a year ago and now, it’s all gone back to shit?  i don’t get it.

i bought three silver charms yesterday and put them on a new silver chain.  now on my neck i still have my jillion-year-old ankh that HE gave me and another chain holding my new charms (in order): a guitar, a drum kit, and a guitar.  to represent “the band”….how retarded am i?  pretty retarded, i know.

i’m done complaining for now.  maybe.