Archive for fear

where are you now?

Posted in Loss of Hope with tags , , , , , , on 2015/06/01 by R L Burns

where are you now

my dear –

are you somewhere you

can hear

my cries?  my thoughts?

i don’t know what

to do –

am i supposed to just

give up?

Waiting for the Monster

Posted in Poetry, Ramblings with tags , , , , , on 2010/09/25 by R L Burns

 

the cries echoed throughout

the silent house –

silent except for

the thumping and yelling,

and the weeping of the

two girls huddled together

in the bed,

crying and holding each other,

not knowing what to do

how to help

whom to ask to save them,

to save their mother

 

the older girl prayed

as the tears spilled

from her tightly shut eyes –

she wished she could

shut her ears just as tightly –

our Father, who art in Heaven…

deliver us from evil…

sadly, it didn’t work –

but then, it never did,

and this saddened her

more than she could

ever admit – to anyone

 

upstairs the sounds of

fighting continued –

bodies hitting the floor,

fists hitting softer flesh,

the sobbing of her mother

and her pleas for mercy…

the rejection of those pleas

expressed physically

as well as verbally

 

the older girl held

her little sister close,

patting her hair,

whispering words of comfort,

words that she knew

were lies, but all

she could think to do –

when suddenly

the noises stopped

 

the little one had

at last fallen into

an exhausted sleep,

so the older girl

covered her gently

with a blanket

and slid out of bed,

creeping quietly

to her bedroom door –

hearing nothing,

she tiptoed to the

bottom of the stairs

wondering what to do

 

should I go up

and check on her?

was she okay?

had he killed her?

why was it so quiet?

 

afraid to cause

more problems,

afraid to leave her mother

alone at the hands

of the monster,

afraid to leave

her sister…

just plain afraid,

she dithered for

a few moments

then reluctantly crept back

to her bedroom,

sitting on the floor

by her bed

where she could

keep watch on her sister

as well as monitor

the stairs in case

her mother managed

to escape the monster

 

sitting there,

nightgown pulled down,

her arms wrapped

around her knees,

she rocked back and forth

watching,

waiting,

praying,

hoping…

Sulphur

Posted in Poetry, Ramblings with tags , , on 2010/06/23 by R L Burns

Thunder rolls in

Lightning bolts fly

The screams echo endlessly

One glances close by

 

The acrid sulphur smell

Burns eyes and nose

Another bolt flashes,

Tears holes in my clothes

 

Skin burned and blackened

A dress all in shreds

I lost my last shoe

My stockings now threads

 

The flat land before me

Offers no cover

There’s nowhere to hide

No father, no lover

 

Shaking and weaving

No hope left in sight

I run and I run

In this false early night

 

In terror I flee

From what, God only knows

To what I run, though,

Is the question I pose.

Message From the Emperor

Posted in Poetry, Ramblings with tags , , , on 2010/05/28 by R L Burns

“Execute Order 66,” his horrible voice commanded me.

Once the order was given I had no choice,

And so I did as I was told.

My light sabre, flashing red, spun magically in my hands –

All my years of training with the Masters and the Sensai or two I’d known

Really paid off now.

Red for the dark side to which I am now

Required to bow.

Red for the copious amounts of blood

I will shed – in the name of peace –

In the mistaken belief

That I alone know what is best for  my people…

Never knowing how wrong I am, how twisted I have become

Until, perhaps, I look at the decimated lives and dreams

Of those I held so dear.

No thankfulness fills their eyes, no pride, no joy,

Just rivers of tears and incredible fear

Of their own young boy.

Their lives and dreams dashed by my

Worship of Executive Order 66.

A small cry escapes my lips:

What have I done?

I was the chosen one…

Ah but chosen for what?  Not the hero it seems –

Instead, I am the evil I always swore not to be…

Pine Needles in My Eyes

Posted in Poetry with tags , , , , on 2010/04/24 by R L Burns

darkness surrounds me –

surrepititiously spewing hatred

into my hopelessly haunted soul 

flung over my eyes for protection,

my arms tremble and twitch from the burns

brought on by this self-loathing, blighted binge

darkness surrounds me –

succinctly mimicking the monotony of death,

of life in a hell of my own hedonistic design

darkness surrounds me – 

clawing, flailing and falling

i stumble, senseless, swaying, somber…

in mortal fear of eventual escape

“Strictly Ballroom” Quote

Posted in Sharing with tags , , , , on 2010/04/19 by R L Burns

I went to watch one of my students perform in a ballroom dancing showcase  Saturday night.  She looked lovely and was surprisingly light on her feet.  It pleased me to no end that she invited me, that it meant so much to her when I actually showed up.  I will post a picture of her in my photos section in the next few days.  I took a few and made several videos…The point is that when I got home, I pulled out a movie I had really and truly enjoyed called “Strictly Ballroom”.  I’m not a huge dance fan but I enjoyed the story and the whole underdog thing, as well as the twisted Australian humor.  There was one line in that movie that resonated deeply within me, and I used it many times as a signature line…I hadn’t thought of it recently – until Saturday night – and I decided it was a good thought to share.  So, here it is…

A LIFE LIVED IN FEAR IS A LIFE HALF-LIVED.

That’s all.  I’m out.

Dream of the Shadows

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , , on 2010/01/18 by R L Burns

I sent you this dream exactly a week before you “broke up” with me.  I asked you what you thought it meant, and you said,

“It means they are beaten.  I love you, baby girl. TNA”

Just out of curiosity, how did that change in one week???

you.  running everywhere:  your house, your son’s school, your work, your folks’ house, your older son’s, the bluff, bars, pool halls, grocery store, hospitals.  just running without end, ultimately your hair, literally, on fire.  you are wearing down and looking sick and unhappy. 

around the edges of my vision are shadows.  they are dancing with glee, intermittent bonfires strewn throughout.  they are calling to their brothers.  as the number of shadows increase, so do the number of fires you are required to put out.  you are looking more and more weary, sick and dejected. 

i am watching.  i want to go to you, to help you, but the gathering of shadows is so dense now that i cannot see a way through them.  finally i find a small space and squeeze through.  i can still hear them laughing and celebrating.  i am quiet as i move toward you – you are not far from me – when one of the shadows detaches itself from the group and stands infront of me.  in a voice that is somehow repulsive and inviting at the same time, he tells me to stop.  i ignore him and try to keep going but he stops me again – with that voice. 

he tells me that it is hopeless, that they will keep throwing everything they can at you until you give up the mad idea of leaving them.  he tells me that i should go away and leave you alone because i cause you nothing but pain and agony; that i am the REAL reason you are so weary and sad. 

for a moment i waver – he has played on the one thing that could make me go away – and realizing this, i find the courage to ignore him.  in truth, “he” is an androgynous thing, but i still think of it as a “him”.  i put my hands on my hips and tell him he is a fucking liar;  i am not the pain-bringer, they are, and i demand they leave you alone. 

he laughs at me and calls me a stupid, stupid, girl.  he calls to his brothers and several of them leave the partying group – but not too many because they want to keep the boundaries around you fairly well monitored.  they line up and stand between me and you. 

i can still see you, sitting in your truck, sweating, near tears, near giving up.  the sky above you is dark and roiling with clouds. 

i am not afraid of them, am afraid only for you. 

they begin some sort of chant. 

i raise my hands to the sky, ignoring them, and call upon the light, the goodness, all the love in the universe, asking for protection for you, asking for your release from the shadows.  at first nothing happens, then suddenly, stephanie and alex are beside me (one on either side), and their hands, too, are raised.  we are saying some sort of chant (couldn’t tell you the words now).   

suddenly there is a huge flash of the brightest, whitest light i have ever seen.  the leader of the shadows is in total shock. 

he asks me, “how is this possible?” 

i tell him that you belong to us, that we claim you from the dark in the name of the light – the whole time he and i  are talking, alex and stephanie continue chanting, arms upraised.  a bright light begins to glow from both of them, and then from me. 

yells and screams begin to echo from the shadows on the boundaries and the ones in front of us begin to look scared and begin shimmering, sort of.  the leader tries to keep them in line but they are afraid.  the light around steph, allie and me gets brighter and brighter.  the boundary shadows start exploding.  the lined up ones begin running.  the light gets even brighter. 

all of them explode until there is only the leader left infront of me.  the three of us look at him.  he yells at me that this isn’t over yet, and disappears. 

over you, the sky clears as do your tears.  you sit up in the truck and smile. 

then i woke up.

If it didn’t mean they were beaten, what did it mean?