Archive for depression

Not a Jedi Yet

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , on 2010/07/05 by R L Burns

shhh….

they’re back:
the pain
the tears
the voices –                                                              
“die” they say.

the inability
to sleep
to think
to breathe –
“die” i pray.

the need to quiet them is great
the desire to quiet them is huge
but the will to quiet them is fading
“why not die today?”

death is not truly sought,
or even really desired –
just a final relief
from what has transpired.

“don’t drink,” i tell myself,

“don’t take those pills –
ignore the razorblades –
and think of the love and the thrills –
that must await you somehow, somewhere…
and if you die now, you’ll never get there.

you’ve made it this long,
you must continue to try –
impressive, most impressive,
but you are not yet a jedi…”

so, shhh…be quiet
let’s not die today

“i refuse to join you, darth vader,
and the dark side you portray,”

shhh…be quiet
let’s send them away

Better Living Through Chemistry

Posted in Poetry, Ramblings with tags , , , , , on 2010/03/03 by R L Burns

                                   lithium

                                     prozac

valium

lorazepam –

a cocktail

that stops me

destroying

all that

i am.

 

glucophage

tricor

symbacort

xoponex

atenolol

and vitamin B –

yipee and hooray

for better living

through

chemistry!!

 

rlb/march 2010

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep…

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , , , on 2010/02/06 by R L Burns

Nah, I lied.  It’s not 4:03.  It’s 4:23.  But close enough for me.  Guess I’ve been singing that Shinedown song too much. 

Not so sure, though, if the poblem is that it is four in the morning or that it is the sixth of February.  The day I got the message for which I had waited for sixteen years.  First contact from you.  Do you remember my reply?

Huh? I am nearly in tears.

And your response?

So am I.  I don’t even know where to begin…

And you know, from the beginning, there was a phrase you repeated over and over and over.  A phrase that, as a Special Education Inclusion English teacher I should have seen as foreshadowing:

No more time for lies, baby girl.

And yet, that’s all it was a time for, wasn’t it?  Lies, lies, and more lies.

(My failure to recognize the foreshadowing explains, I suppose, why I am the Special Education teacher, right?)

My head is pounding again. 

I am so annoyed.  For the past month, maybe, I had been doing really well.  I wasn’t crying everyday or anything.  Then that stupid migraine.  And then my sister being so upset.  And now:  6 February.  Oh this sucks, and I am sure that Valentine’s day will probably be unfun, too.  No great story to read, over which to sigh and smile as my heart flutters. 

Ouch. 

Then will come 7 March.  Fucking-A.  Happy Anniversary, Baby, got you on my mind – thank you, Little River Band.

Could someone please just come knock me out so I can sleep through the next month?? 

I am running out of pain meds for the pounding in my head that never seems to truly stop…my ativan is running low for my erratic heartbeat…my body is running down from lack of good sleep…my eyes are frequently swollen from the tears I am again shedding — even in my sleep.  I hate waking up to a wet pillow.

Well.  I can handle it.  And I will be fine.  This next month will be the bad patch, I think, then I will be okay again.  I mean, hell, I’ve done this (lived in limbo without you) for more years than I haven’t (thirty-three, actually, and I’m only forty-seven), so I can make it through the rest, I suppose. 

I just have to get through the next month without cracking up again…and considering what I have managed to get through already, a month should be easy-peezy.

Yep.  Easy. 

If only I can avoid any thought of you whatsoever and if I can sleep past 4:03 more nights than not.  Damn Shinedown for putting that time in my head!! 

Why don’t I just hate you and not think of you?

Oh wait.  Again, there’s the answer: 

I‘m Special Ed

That explains it all, doesn’t it?

Gotta go.  The pain meds are calling to me….