Archive for confusion

Pretty Pathetic, huh?

Posted in life story, Ramblings, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 2016/02/24 by R L Burns

It is still so very weird to me that I actually believed all the things he said to me.  And even weirder that it sill bothers me so much nearly seven years later.  I feel utterly stupid that I didn’t get it that it was all a lie – but, you should know that it’s not ALL my fault; he was really good at the lie.  There’s a song by the band Seether in which the singer states:

You keep living in your own lie
                                                 Ever deceitful and ever unfaithful
                                                 Keep me guessing, keep me terrified
                                                 Take everything from my world

That pretty much sums up how I feel/felt/whatever.  Ridiculously, in retrospect, I thought I was much smarter than that; that no one could fool me so completely.  Well, now I know that I was wrong on that count, too.

You know, I guess it’s okay that it bothered – and bothers – me.  I mean, I believed he was the love of my life since I was a teenager.  In a way I only got involved with people who were, in a sense, disposable.  Not too flattering – for them or me.  I judged my feelings with everyone by my feelings for him, and their feelings for me by the way he had felt about me.  Comparing is never a good practice, I know, but I didn’t know I was doing it.  Well, I knew it, but I didn’t understand how MUCH I was doing it, nor how negatively it was impacting every romantic relationship of my entire life.  I can see it now, of course; I mean, don’t they say that hindsight is 20/20?  Yepper.  Definitely 20/20.

Even knowing all that now, though, I still don’t understand how I could be so taken in. Where were the signs that it was a lie?  Maybe…well, could’ve been the small amount of time he was able to carve out for me after I drove over one thousand miles to spend time with him.  Yeah, I guess that was a clue.  I’d be there a week and spend 80% of my time alone.  I guess that was a big sign, yes?  But when he was with me, he was WITH me.  Loving me, crying, begging…and when I was away from him, there were hundreds of phone calls, thousands of texts.  I mean, why would he do all of that if he was lying?  That’s what I couldn’t figure out.  Unless, maybe, he WAS just trying to be kind to me – in a weird-wrong-twisted kind of way.  He said later that he did it because he felt guilty that I had loved him so long.  I had loved him.  Hmmmm….and that he had not been in love with me since nearly fifteen years earlier when he wanted to be with me but I said no — he had a child and one on the way.  How could I break that up? I couldn’t, so I sent him back to her and the children, knowing that was the right thing to do – and knowing that he would, in the end, hate me if he left his family and then wasn’t close to them.  For a while I tried to believe that he was just saying all that about lying, that really he was a coward and just couldn’t pull the trigger.  But I suppose I was wrong, and he really didn’t love me any longer.  That is a horrible thing to accept…I kept others at arm’s length and never allowed myself to be happy because I was in love with him.  When I believed we finally had a real chance at the happily ever after we both claimed to have always wanted…well, I was deliriously happy.  And then I wasn’t.

And I am still not.

I still stand by my belief, though, that if he KNEW, the first time we saw each other again, that he didn’t feel the same about me, it would have been much kinder and much, much less disillusioning if he had thrown a pity fuck or two my way and then a tearful farewell. That, I would have held close to my heart with a tear and a smile.

Instead I am left with…nothing.

 

 

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where are you now?

Posted in Loss of Hope with tags , , , , , , on 2015/06/01 by R L Burns

where are you now

my dear –

are you somewhere you

can hear

my cries?  my thoughts?

i don’t know what

to do –

am i supposed to just

give up?

Paradox

Posted in Poetry with tags , on 2010/07/03 by R L Burns

 

Mysterious, magical, malingering

Intelligent, innovative, insidious

Creative, corrupt, cruel

Hapless, hopeless, hidden

Arrogant, altruistic, abominable

Evasive, enigmatic, exanimate

Lover, loved one, lonely loser

How Could You…

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , on 2010/05/11 by R L Burns

say all those things to me and have it be a lie?  (See “Old Letter from Michael #1).  And how could you say it all again, sixteen years later and then tell me it was a lie?  How?  No matter how much better I am dealing with all of this – and jeez, you would hope I would be better nearly nine months later – I still have no way to reconcile your words and actions and the ultimate result of it all. 

Oh, dear, I am so sorry for all of it.  I’m sorry I came there and really ruined your life.  I swear my only goal was to help, to make you feel loved.  I am sorry I failed you again, so miserably…Truly I am.

 

Message to My Sister…

Posted in Ramblings with tags , on 2010/05/11 by R L Burns

I hope things are better for you today…I was feeling fine and relatively cheerful, but am suddenly overwhelmed and find myself nearly in tears, saying (sadly, even out loud):  “Stop it!  Please!”  But I don’t even know what I am asking to stop…I love and miss you.

Signed,

Your Seastar

Reasons

Posted in Ramblings with tags , , , on 2010/04/05 by R L Burns

 

my inability to express,

to ANYONE,

in any meaningful way,

my reasons for wanting

to go to the midwest

is making me more insane than ever

somehow i failed to make amyone see

that for me,

it was all about taking a little bit of control

over a situation that has nearly been

my ruination

going there was, to me,

the way to close the iron door on IT,

instead of having it slammed on me.

i could go there and see the things i’d loved

and walk away from them, on my terms,

not someone else’s

but i was unable to convince anyone

that going made sense, is the only thing

that might allow me to put it all away,

put it in some sort of perspective with which i can live

and, hell, if i was going to kill myself,

which many seem to think

was my REAL reason for wanting to go,

i’d already be dead.

i had kind of thought that going

might help me live

and after a mini-stroke, well,

i wanted to go before the bigger one

after which it won’t be possible

Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA)

Posted in life story with tags , , , on 2010/03/29 by R L Burns

transient ischemic attack                                                   

ever heard of that?                                                                   

a “mini stroke” they call it –

but what a long name!

a blockage in the brain

causes great pain –

your vision is blurred , or even doubled

and your speech becomes troubled –

your memory deserts you

like so many others have done –

you confuse those around you

can barely walk, let alone run.

 

anticoagulants are the prescribed fix –

nothing like rat poison to

add to the mix….

 

but am i still me?

and who will ever want me now???

 

** sorry for the continuous pity party – promise to get over it soon!!