* Written earlier – I’m a bit better now *
I am writing this because I am scared. I cannot tell you how desolate and alone I feel. I feel flattened. the pain is not receding at all yet. Instead it is getting worse and worse and worse. A hundred or more times a day I long to see him. To hold him. To feel his arms around me. I am not trying to exaggerate things, or whine, but I have to tell you all that I do not know how long I can continue feeling this way. I want desperately to escape it; want more than anything to find a way to live without him. the nights are the worst. I cannot sleep well at all I mean, it’s three a.m., and where am i? Sitting at the computer checking email, trying to find something to occupy my head, something to push the sadness over and out of the way a bit. It isn’t working. EVERYTHING makes me think of him; and everytime I think of him, I have to realize again that he is gone from me, forever. I cannot handle that. I really can’t.
Please don’t call me and tell me all the reasons I have for staying alive. I know them well, but right now they do not mean very much, I am sorry to say. I am too bowed over by this gut-wrenching, mind-bending pain. I am nauseated constantly. I eat but it all tastes like dirt. I am smoking way too much. Reading his poems and stories doesn’t help. Thinking of the happy times only makes the pain that much more acute. Writing seems to help a little bit. Looking at our pictures helps a little – SOMETIMES. But too often, afterwards, the memories flood through me and I feel as though I am drowning. I can’t breathe and my heart pounds wildly. There just seems to be no escape from it all. I cannot imagine living another 20 or 30 years feeling this way. Intellectually, I understand that the pain will lessen, but emotionally, and in my heart, I cannot imagine it ever being any different than it is now.
If you have any ideas, please tell me what they are . And no, I won’t do anything stupid – for now, anyway. I am struggling. But I have to be honest with someone about how I feel. So I told you guys. I am sorry to burden you with my pain, but you are very close to me and I trust you with my thoughts. Not an easy thing to do right now. Not easy at all.
I love you guys very much, and please know that I am trying so very, very hard to deal with this in a more positive way. I just don’t know how successful I will be.