Another Plaintive Cry for Help

From her journal – Midnight two nights ago

the wolf no longer howls outside my door

and the silence is deafening

i am so very lonely

can’t sleep again

feeling so agitated

so scared

so sad

so confused

the silence is scary

my reflection in the mirror scared me

i feel sick

the light is off and i am writing by the glow of the tv

“after the thin man” is on

i feel truly demented

want to bang my head into the wall

cut open my chest and my wrists

my knees hurt

ny feet hurt

i want to screeeeaaaammmmmm

al’s not here so i did

but it didn’t help

why did this happen?

why did the only person i ever believed in

turn out to be a

big, fat, fucking, using,

creepy, fat, stupid, selfish,

loser-y, fucking, jerky,

gay, tasteless, stupid

FUCKING LIAR????

LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

IN MY WHOLE DAMN FUCKING LIFE

and why can’t

I QUIT FUCKING CARING??

he used me to help himself get better

like they all do and have done forever and always.

why?

i guess i pick “broken” people cuz they’ll need me,

so i think they won’t leave me…

but they always do. 

charley, gramp, mater, grandma,

mom, dad, mike o., paul, ken, bill and…

HIM.

i don’t understand. 

my head hurts. 

it’s pounding

just like my heart.

should i go back to the hospital?

help me, please.

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