to trip or not to trip?

i don’t know if i can promise not to go april 2nd.  i’d like to say of course, i promise…but i don’t want to lie to you.  i feel such a need to go. have done for so long.  and this is the first time i have had the opportunity since…well, since,  you know.

for the first time ever, i dreamt of them all last night. i was outside a house and the front door was open, just a glass storm door closed on the scene. i was sitting at a table in the yard. i saw his older son playing with his daughter on the floor. other people were on the couch, watching them and, i think, tv. his wife, his  younger son, and the older son’s wife were on the couch. his wife and younger son looked out the door and saw me. they frowned. my eyes met hers and she looked away, to her right. michael was walking into the room, calling to his granddaughter, and smiling. he saw his wife’s look. he stopped. she looked back out the door and he followed her gaze and saw me. his jaw dropped. everyone looked out the door. i shook my head, got up, and walked away. i think he came to the door and stepped out, but i didn’t turn around. it was sad and weird.

i just really feel the need, yes, the need, to go. i may not, but i am desperate to be there again. can you understand that?

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