I’m watching “Intervention” on A&E.  The woman is addicted to prescription drugs…                                                                                   

The show went back in her life to her childhood.  She was very, very close to her dad, apparently, and then he moved out when she was seventeen.  So she says she was abandoned and that this is what ruined her life….Boo hoo.   

Not the fact that her mom decided to abdicate her parental responsibilities and become a bar fly, taking her seventeen year old daughter with her!  No.

And not the fact that neither of her parents cared enough about the well-being of their children to work together to do what was best for the kids.  No…They both walked away from their children but the blame is all on the dad for leaving.

You know, it doesn’t have to fucking be that way.  Sadly it often is, but it doesn’t have to be.  My ex-husband and I split up when our son was fourteen.  He was upset a bit, that is true.  But he never flipped out, never got into drugs or alcohol and he is twenty-two now.  He doesn’t run around, steal, lie, get drunk or high.  His father and I get along well and try to work together in our son’s best interests.  The new stepmom and I get along really well, our families get along.  We do what is best for Alex, always.  Even though his parents are not together, he is not alone and he knows it.  He knows we love him and that he can count on us.  That’s what matters – even more than being together – his sense of security.  He’s allowed to love everyone, there’s no animosity…

I didn’t mean to get off on a rant, but I really hate the whole “if the parents split up you ruin the child’s life” bullshit.  I truly believe it is all in how it is handled. 

Anyway, later in the show she said her biggest fear is losing her family (she has two sons) – so she takes more pills to get rid of that fear.  What? Then stop taking the fucking pills – or at least reduce the number of pills.  She hugged her younger son (he’s 11)  who was crying with fear of her overdosing again, and said she would never do anything to hurt him.  Again, WHAT?

I don’t get it.

It’s like my first husband, Jeff when he would say he loved me more than anything.  Bullshit.  He loved getting high more than anything – like this lady.

Or Michael when he would say he loved me more than life itself…Um, apprently not since he chose himself, his addiction to martyrdom, over me.  Or over anyone.

And I guess even me.  How stupid have I been?  I’ve bemoaned the lack of real love in my life, but would never accept it because of MY addiction to a faded memory.

Guess we’re all fucked up in one way or another, aren’t we??

Quit blaming divorce, dammit.  Blame the way stupid, selfish parents handle it.  OOOH! That just pissed me off a lot.


10 Responses to “Intervention”

  1. Agreed! It’s not the divorce, it’s the way the adults handle the divorce. I just read “For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered” by Mavis Hetherington. She studied divorced families for 20 years and found the same thing- it was the environment that put children “at risk”, not the divorce decree.

  2. Glad you agree. I think parents staying together can sometimes be more damaging than the divorce. Well, that was my belief. My son knew we were not happy, even though we did not argue and fight – there was no active aggression in our relationship, but my son knew things weren’t good since he was small. So, by staying with someone with whom I was so unhappy and keeping his dad from having the real kind of love and relationship he wanted (and deserved), I mean, what was I teaching my son? I was teaching him to stay somewhere he wasn’t happy, where he felt small. I was teaching him that it is okay for someone to mistreat you and that you should just take it – especially if you have children. That ultimately made no sense to me. He also learned that his dad and I were, in the end, happier apart, and that nothing at all changed in our feelings/attitudes toward him. For a little while I doubted what I was doing, but I know now that it was the one hundred percent correct decision for all of us. And it worked because we did not abandon him or our parental responsibilities, no matter what was going on between us. Thanks for your comment! Rose

  3. The other thing I felt I was teaching him was that it is okay to use someone else to protect your image…

  4. Yes. It’s a shame more people don’t look at it that way. I think if more people examined their situations and came to the same conclusions you did, we’d have more healthy families (divorced or not) raising emotionally healthier children.

  5. Often the health or illness of the relationship starts at the beginning which is too bad for the children. Kids deserve a stable environment from adults (not children pretending to be adults)

    • leslie – i agree one hundred ercent. my ex and i … our relationship had issues from day one, though it took me a little bit to realize that. i was leaving him when i found out i was pregnant. having come from a broken home i tried to make it work, thinking it would be better for our son. fourteen years after he was born i just couldn’t do it anymore. we tried counseling, etc. we worked hard to try and fix it, but it just didn’t work. but we handled it gracefully, i think. and while i am sorry, in a general way, that it didn’t work out, i still believe we did the right thing, he is remarried now and is so happy – which he didn’t think he would/could be. and i feel better. and alex totally understands and agrees that it was the best thing. thanks for commentng!

  6. I totally agree.
    When my ex marriage did not work,
    I opt for divorce and for both my daughters,
    I made sure they get therapies and
    we have a totally more open relationships
    as ex and his family abused them.
    Here, I got to take the responsibility
    for my kids before they start having excuses
    to mess up their lives.
    Now, I am remarried to a good man,
    kids are very good, one in Seoul
    and another in Malaysia with me.
    I guess I am lucky but it was not easy, indeed.

    I am here from Jingle.
    Like to join us for our Rally?

    Happy Wednesday and Thursday!




  7. waystationone Says:

    i hear that…and yeah we all have our messes but…

  8. as a child from a divorced family, I have to agree with what you say as well, i have been through therapy, when the divorce happened, and help me recover correctly though life is forever cracked after that point and you never again fill whole.

    • i am sorry it is that way for you. i come from parents with multiple marriages between them. i recognize that they would never have been happy together and while maybe once or twice in my youth i wished they were together, i never dwelled on it at all. im sorry for your pain.

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