Susceptibility

when you are fragile, whether

mentally or physically,

bouncing back from a loss is difficult

 

mental illness puts one in a quandary:

 

you are easy prey for others

quick pickings for the vultures

circling overhead

 

you blame yourself

for everything –

for every rejection

every mistake

every abuse –

even those made by others.

especially those made by others.

 

you believe there is something

intrinsically wrong with YOU, that

you cause people to abandon you,

reject you, abuse you,

and so punish yourself accordingly –

cutting, drinking, drugs,

anything to validate your worthlessness.

 

i suppose, on some level,

there is something wrong with you,

something that carves the words

HURT ME, PLEASE

into your forehead,

words that can be read by those

with just the right twisted eyes…

 

they find you.

they single you out.

they play on your weaknesses

encourage your confidences,

which they later use against you…

profess that they “say what they mean

and mean what they say”.

 

you believe.  you are trapped –

by your own need for acceptance,

your own fear of abandonment,

your own desperate need to be needed,

valued, to be loved.

 

but it’s always a trick,

always a lie –

their twisted eyes are matched only by

their twisted hearts, mouths, and minds.

 

they don’t love you.

they laugh at you,

denigrate you – along with

their friends, wives, lovers –

for being so susceptible,

so ill,

so needy, so stupid

that you would believe

anything.

 

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2 Responses to “Susceptibility”

  1. You need to grow thicker skin. You shouldnt let things get to you so bad. I guess its easier said then done, if you cant pull yourself out from a hole thats whay too deep i think you should seek professional help before you kill yourself.

    hang in there rose, at least youre not in haiti, chile, firggin africa (any country)- Watch one of those nat geo shows about those people with aberrant defformities, no food , no sheleter and no hope and try to find some perstective and realize that youre relly not doing bad at all. Sure there are bad moments and people who could be nicer but shit, dont make such a big deal out of it. Move ahead and dont be such a pessimist. If none of those work look for help before you kill yourself for real ove things that are not worht it.

    big hugs and good vibe.

    • my skin is getting thicker by the day, george, and believe me, i am getting help. spent a week in the psych hospital in september to make sure i didn’t kill myself – i nearly jumped off the balcony of a twelfth floor hotel room. it was not one single episode that made me this way, it has been a long long life of it. and i am so lucky that i am not in any of those other places and that there are many people who love me and that i figured out that i needed help. i have an organic emotional disorder and have finally, it seems, beenn properly diagnosed, so thiings will get better. sometimes when i write it comes out way worse than i really feel….writing it out helps me not feel it as much. does that make any sense? all my liofe i have internalized my pain and anger and it has cost my physically as well as mentally, exacerbating a problem that already existed. know too that i do not in any way want to die, i just want relief from the pain. remember me saying i am thining about the peace corps? i have always believed that suicide is the most selfish thing one can do — have been appalled beyond belief to find myself teetering on that selfish, stupid edge — i have always seen it as a cop out and believed that if one has nothing to live for, then go work lepers or other people who really have nothing. intellectually i know all that. this break up in august, though, was the one good thing i had held onto for my entire life, and the treatment i received from michael totally flipped my switch because i always believed he was the one person on whom i could count NOT to treat me the way i have always been treated….when he did what he did all i could think was that NOTHING was real or true…it is slowly getting bnetter but istill fall into those valleys sometimes. i’ll look on here and see if i posted “i remember you”. if not i will. if you read that you will know a bit more about me….and maybe it will make a little more sense. thank you for caring george!! love, rose

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