You Wanted to Know (aka Happy Valentine’s Day)

He lit a cigarette and leaned back from the computer.  He had been trying to write this for months, but could never seem to get it right.  Now, he decided, he didn’t care if he got it just right — ha! I’ll show her.  She always gave me shit about not wanting to commit anything to paper until it was perfect.  Well, now he wasn’t really concerned about that.  He needed to tell her.  Maybe if he did she would finally leave him alone.  Maybe.  But he wasn’t holding his breath on that.

He leaned over the keyboard and began typing…

You want to know why I did it, right?  Well, I’m going to tell you, and you aren’t going to like it, but, too bad. 

I couldn’t put up with your pressure anymore.  I loved you – I guess – and the life you offered me was tempting.  Someone who worshipped the ground I walked on, who would do anything for me, to me or with me.  What guy – especially a middle-aged one who had been married for twenty odd years – would not be tempted by that?  Yes, it was tempting, but it was not worth destroying everything else in my life, no matter how great the sex was, no matter how much you loved me, no matter how much I thought I wanted you.  You were like a dream to me.  A fantasy.  The proverbial “one who got away”.  Then I saw you and I admit it, I got caught up in the moment, caught up in  y0ur absolute love of me, your willingness to come here, to be my whore, to be whatever I wanted.  For once in my life I felt powerful.

I should have ended it sooner, but…well, I’m a man, and I admit it, I was caught in my sexual obsession with you.  Once you were gone for a while it wore off, though, and you wanted way more than I was willing to give you.  You were like a fucking mistress in a tv movie or a trash romance.  Gimme, gimme, gimme your time.  I couldn’t do it anymore.  So I ended it.  I wrote it because at that time I was afraid that if I spoke to you, you would use your wicked, wily ways to suck me back in.  That’s why I have avoided you totally.  To save myself.

I couldn’t handle the guilt of using you combined with the guilt of what I was doing to my family.  You know I am a coward, you’ve always known that — were maybe the only one who ever knew it.  I couldn’t stand that either, by the way.  I need to feel like I am strong.  With you, that never happens.  Something about you weakens me, can drive me to my knees.  I am too untrusting and insecure to handle that very well.  My life here, well, I’m the boss and that’s how I need it.

 I asked you to let me go.  But no, you kept writing to me.  Others read your letters and now everyone knows how fucked up I am and what I did.  I hate you for that. Actually, on some level, I think I have hated you since you came to our house in ’78.  Why do you think I told you to marry Jeff?  I wanted you to go away.  You were a bitch then, and you’re a bitch now.  You want it all your way and I quit playing your game.  So now you cry, cry, cry.  And you know, if you tried to kill yourself, that’s on you.  I refuse to take responsibility for that or even acknowledge it in any direct way.

I am sorry you are unhappy, but that’s too bad.  It’s your fault.  You shouldn’t have come to see me, shouldn’t have pulled me back into a teenage romance that was over decades ago.

I like my life.  Find a way to like yours. 

Oh, and by the way, Happy Valentine’s Day.

He read over what he had written and nodded.  He typed in her email address and hit “send”, then shut off the computer.

That should do it, he thought to himself, smiling.  Then he went in his bedroom to give his wife her Valentine’s Day gift.

 

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3 Responses to “You Wanted to Know (aka Happy Valentine’s Day)”

  1. Look rose dont drown on this. Take it as feedback, somehow find the positive feedback of it. Yes the timing was terrible and the style was not really the most… well intentioned i suppose. I guess this person needed to feel good about himself. Shitty thing is that he should have realized this way before the armies were in the river ready to attack but anyway thats not the point. My favorite part, and maybe the most hurfull is the i like my life, find a way to like yours. Despite all the emotion in that it does carry a message that holds true. Fuck this, youre better then everything, just find a way to like your life like it is. And also know yourself. Maybe youre just terrible at picking men. Im terrible at picking women. I always choose the psycos. Hence im not qualified to do the picking. I know myself (or try to tell myself i do) and im very very very very very very very very very very very suspicious of women and their intentions. Theyre all nice at first but a beast lies dormid. This may leave me to live my life in lonely seclusion, but you know what i rather be happy alone then MISERABLE with company.

    So hug yourself and thank this asshole for reminding you why youre so lucky not to have him

    HAPPY VALENTINES DAY YOU HUNK O WOMAN!!!

    • hahahahahaha! you truly ARE the best valentine i have ever had, george!!! the best, and i mean it! i, too, as may be obvious based on some of the stories you’ve read, tend to pick the psychos. and i, too, would rather be alone than miserable with someone else who does not love me or abuses me, etc. and i suppose you are right, i am lucky. if in nothing else, i am lucky in my friends. truly. and it is odd how they sometimes come from the most unexpected places!!
      hahahaha – you hunk o woman!! i laughed out loud at that one, george!! thank you for making my day! love, rose

  2. Oh yes, you rock!

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