It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep…

Nah, I lied.  It’s not 4:03.  It’s 4:23.  But close enough for me.  Guess I’ve been singing that Shinedown song too much. 

Not so sure, though, if the poblem is that it is four in the morning or that it is the sixth of February.  The day I got the message for which I had waited for sixteen years.  First contact from you.  Do you remember my reply?

Huh? I am nearly in tears.

And your response?

So am I.  I don’t even know where to begin…

And you know, from the beginning, there was a phrase you repeated over and over and over.  A phrase that, as a Special Education Inclusion English teacher I should have seen as foreshadowing:

No more time for lies, baby girl.

And yet, that’s all it was a time for, wasn’t it?  Lies, lies, and more lies.

(My failure to recognize the foreshadowing explains, I suppose, why I am the Special Education teacher, right?)

My head is pounding again. 

I am so annoyed.  For the past month, maybe, I had been doing really well.  I wasn’t crying everyday or anything.  Then that stupid migraine.  And then my sister being so upset.  And now:  6 February.  Oh this sucks, and I am sure that Valentine’s day will probably be unfun, too.  No great story to read, over which to sigh and smile as my heart flutters. 


Then will come 7 March.  Fucking-A.  Happy Anniversary, Baby, got you on my mind – thank you, Little River Band.

Could someone please just come knock me out so I can sleep through the next month?? 

I am running out of pain meds for the pounding in my head that never seems to truly stop…my ativan is running low for my erratic heartbeat…my body is running down from lack of good sleep…my eyes are frequently swollen from the tears I am again shedding — even in my sleep.  I hate waking up to a wet pillow.

Well.  I can handle it.  And I will be fine.  This next month will be the bad patch, I think, then I will be okay again.  I mean, hell, I’ve done this (lived in limbo without you) for more years than I haven’t (thirty-three, actually, and I’m only forty-seven), so I can make it through the rest, I suppose. 

I just have to get through the next month without cracking up again…and considering what I have managed to get through already, a month should be easy-peezy.

Yep.  Easy. 

If only I can avoid any thought of you whatsoever and if I can sleep past 4:03 more nights than not.  Damn Shinedown for putting that time in my head!! 

Why don’t I just hate you and not think of you?

Oh wait.  Again, there’s the answer: 

I‘m Special Ed

That explains it all, doesn’t it?

Gotta go.  The pain meds are calling to me….



8 Responses to “It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep…”

  1. I guess were all different but i dont mind eating alone at a restaurant, i dont mind going alone to the movies, i dont care about spending valentines alone. I wish i could make you feel better but i do love the morresey esque value of your lyric. I went to bed and had strange dreams of my exes, the last 3 were mixed into one person. I went to bed at 2 am and woke up at 6 am. Cant sleep. Too may images. Weddings and sex and places and things said. Im so sorry youre in so much pain. Im not sure why, i dont know you, but there something in the way you word your pain that just appeals to my need to comfort. Hang in there rose. We can be virtual valentines if you wish. Just so we can say we have one. =)

    You rock.

    • dear virtual valentine — i think that would be lovely, if you will tell me a name by which i may call you. calling you alkinoosblog is a bit much, dont’ you think? 🙂 and please know, i don’t mind doing any of the things you mentioned alone, either. actually, i often prefer that. the problem with my current situation is that, well…i met this person when i was a teenager, and somehow he shaped my ideal of love and romance forever. after he left, i compared everyone to him (not really consciously). i held myself aloof -emtionally – because someday he might come back. which he would do, occasionally, through print or phone, over the years. the last time he reached out to me ended in 1993. at that time he wanted to leave his situation and be with me. but…he had two young children, i had one. so, i said no. and not because i didn’t want him. my gosh, i wanted nothing more than a life with him. nothing more. but, i know him so well, and i knew that if he left those boys he would end up hating himself. the way things are in his town, there was no way i could come there – no one would ever accept me or my son, so he couldn’t do that to us, and the only way he could be with me would be to come here. and then he would be away from his boys. and those around him are not so forgiving as to make that easy for hiim in any way. i knew that. so i said no. in a way that i KNEW would make him angry and upset with me. (he had to doubt me if i was going to convince him to stay there – does that make sense?) anyway, he cut me off, totally. he hated me. i was going to kill myself about a year later, but God and my exhusband intervened. i went on with my life. then a year ago today he contacted me out of the blue. he was ill, afraid he was dying, and was losing his vision. i decided that for once in my life, i was going to take the bull by the horns, and i went to see him. you see, it was so important to me that the one person i really believed could ever see me would see me one more time before he was in complete darkness. i expected nothing more. nothing in his situation had changed. then when we saw each other, it was as if we had never been apart, like the past thirty-two years hadn’t happened. we were finally “together”, if you will, in every sense. i was so happy. he was, too. it turned into the reality of the lifelong romance we had always thought it would be if only we were together. and now the kids are older – one of his is in his twenties, the other seventeen, mine in his twenties. so then we’re on the phone one night, discussing where his computer desk will go when he comes to live here and the need for more bookcases. two days later i get an email telling me it is over. WTF? then total radio silence. two months later comes an email saying he never loved me this time, hadn’t since 93; that he had pretended everything because he thought he owed it to me for loving him so long. again. WTF?????? my whole life’s beliefs shattered. and he has never spoken to me since that weekend nearly six months ago. and my family…well, you don’t know me, i know, but the majority of my life has been all about the greater good, not what was good for me, necessarily. my family is upset because for the first time in my life – really, the first time ever – i decided i wanted something and i tried to have it. and he promised them that he meant what he was saying. so, it kind of flips them out that the ONE TIME i wanted something for me i got so trashed. and i understand why he did what he did – on an intellectual level, i really do. but the pain was so great…anyway, i am sure this is much more than you wanted to know, but i somehow felt the need to explain myself.

  2. You can call me peter or george. I blame your situation on your huge huge heart on television and fiction romance and on pure random chance. I dont know why i dont feel with such intensity for people anymore. It could be that ive been hurt enough to know better or my practical approach to life. I would love to be able to help you to just snap out of it and realize theres a million other things going on in your life and that you dont need a man by your side to be happy. And that you should not deposit so much hope in something that when that something fails youre left with none for yourself, but i guess that makes it worse. No one likes to be told to snap out of it when sad. I know from experience.

    As far as suicide, well the only thing im certain of is my inevitable death. This fact has haunted me since childhood. Im not afraid of death as such. Im afraid of running out of time.

    Huge ginormous amounts of good vibe and bestes wishes for you my friend. Again hang in there and things will be alrite. Or a meteor may finally hit earth and this whole melodrama of life will finally come to an end ( i do enjoy black humor) Huge hugs my virtual valentine friend. Ill be spending mine alone and in peace, no expectations, no fighting, no akward silences, no empty stares, no sex out of habit, no fear, no insecurities, no drama. God i hate drama. Im happy about the choice to become a cat lady.

    Your friend


    • i think i will go with george. i don’t know why, but i will…you are divine and kind and i appreciate all your niceness and concern. you don’t even know me but you have helped me a great deal — more than you can know. i loved the video, too, by the way! i hadn’t seen that in so very long!! i blame my situation on being stupid, but i like your thoughts better. i have never in life felt such personal intensity for anyone but him. for many years i put it away. now i am working on that again. i have been very hurt many times by many people. and i do have a bad habit of giving way too much of myself to others, but i am thinking that perhaps this last foray into romance has been quite enough for me. i think i will use the whole of the experience to write a book. it will be boring i am sure but it will make me feel better. especially if i sell a few copies. i look forward to our valentine’s day and spending it in a totally drama-less way. i, too, hate drama. wish i could be a cat lady but i think i would like to go join the peace corps or perhaps…well, i have really always wanted to have a big house and take care of abandoned children – crack babies, etc. i used to volunteer once a week with children like that. i would like to be useful. teaching is lovely but i am wanting a change. anyway. why am i going on and on when all i meant to do was to thankyou, from the bottom of my fragile little heart, for being so wonderful to me. i do appreciate it. i can geel the good vibes….

    • I watched it when i looked for it, i watched it when i pasted it here, i watched again just now and every single time ive watched it, it manages to really make me happy. Cosmology and carl sagan really made me feel super special, fragile, unique and super tiny. Im glad i could help. And if your book is boring, then shoot for the stars and call it “THE MOST BORING BOOK IN THE HISTORY OF LITERATURE….EVER” ahhahaha im sorry some of my humor tranlates quite poorly in the 2 dimensional medium of click click type. Peace core, that sounds fantastic, and the shelter idea sounds super good too. You have so much to give, youve just been giving it away for free. Have a super duper great day and a happy happy weekend.

  3. rl burns Says:

    it is a great video and i have watched it five times myself since you posted it here!! you are too cool!!
    and i hope you don’t mind if i really do use that title. i absolutely love, love, love it and it made me laugh really, really hard!! no humor was lost in that translation, george – none at all!! 🙂 🙂 thanks!! rose

  4. thanks !! very helpful post!

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