Perhaps I Have Gone About This All Wrong…
I heard a song today. I’ve heard it before but never really listened to the words – couldn’t listen to the words. Somehow today they filtered in – despite the fact that – for whatever reason – I have not slept in over thirty-six hours and I’m still fighting pneumonia and blah, blah, blah – it was the first day back at work. All of that is beside the point — sorry, you know how I am, so stream-of-consiousness, with the cognitive attention of a fruit-fly (and that’s on a good day).
So I heard this song. It’s by Shinedown and is called “If You Only Knew”. It is the truest song yet. Have you heard it? Oh, man, it nearly had me in tears. Only the knowledge that my car insurance might be cancelled kept the tears in check (I truly can’t afford a wreck). The lyrics are great, the tune is pitiful and it is exactly how I feel…
The only thing I still believe in is you….
Which is really stupid, I suppose. But I think that’s where my problems are coming from. Everyone says I should be angry at you, that I should just turn away from the memories, accept that you and I were never meant to be. So, that’s what I’ve been trying to do. But see, I don’t believe that or feel that way. I said before: I want to hate you, but I don’t. As idiotic, as special ed as it may be (and I can say that since I have been a special ed teacher for so very many years!), I’m not angry at you. I still love you. I still believe that we were meant to be…I guess it’s just not this time. And while I have been in soooo much pain since 31 August when you so unceremoniously dumped me (via email no less — after EVERYTHING?), I do not, repeat, I DO NOT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM regret one moment that I got to spend with you this past year. NOT IN ANY WAY. And I am not really ashamed that I showered you with love, respect, adoration, and passsion. It was nothing less than you ever deserved, and nothing more than what I had longed to give you since…well, since that day in science class when you took my hand. So, if you are ashamed and regretful, I am sorry for you, because it was beautiful and glorious and REAL. I am you and you are me. Like it or not.
Stephanie was correct when she said the ties that have been done cannot be undone. Acknowledged or not, they exist and bind us more tightly than ever. We signed a blood oath — not just once, but twice. Remember that?
I think that if I will just quit fighting the fact that I still love, honor and adore you, and accept it as my fate to go through life alone – except for our memories….well, somehow I think I will possibly feel better. I have never in my life been able to deny you or my love for you. I told you that everyone I was ever with knew that if YOU showed up, they would lose. Every man who ever loved me always hated you because I just…loved you. So why fight it anymore? I think I will give into it and just let the struggle against myself end.
And I expect nothing from you, please know that. I absolved you of any responsibility for me or how I deal with any of this. But just as I cannot make you do what you cannot, neither can you make me stop a lifetime of loving you.
As my stepfather always says, “It is what it is.” And you are the other part of me. I accept that now. No more fighting to get you back or understand the whys or hows or what-ifs. Because they don’t matter. They change nothing.
If you get the chance, please do listen to that song. It really is great. And if you ever doubt that I truly loved you, listen to it again, and know that no matter what, the tattoo is true: Then. Now. Always.