An Apology to You

As I cleared away my other page

Something became very clear to me:

I was wrong – in many ways – and yet

Right in many others…

You did want to say goodbye –

You didn’t expect what happened –

Didn’t know how to stop the snowball

Once it took on a life of its own –

But then, neither did I.

Once, many years ago

I told my ex-husband that our

Letters were like..

Like a romance novel we were writing,

Neither of us expecting

Anything  to really happen.

Guess I am guilty of  not

Believing my own press, huh?

Of believing our words over the years

Were the only real truth.

See, I wanted to believe

No, I needed to believe – in you –

In us – in something… good

And you were it.

Always I have imbued you with

Every noble quality of every hero

I’ve ever admired – no one compared to you.

No one could – not even you, I suppose.

Poor Michael, trapped on both sides.

Not happy there, but not willing

To try something new and unsure.

And stupid, bossy me,

Trying to pull you along willy-nilly.

I am so embarrassed.

You were right when you said

I have been taught to doubt

That the best of anyone could be directed at me…

So when it seemed it was real,

When you convinced me that

Your best was directed at me….

Well, I didn’t want to let go.

 I couldn’t bear to let go of my hero

My knight in shining armor

Protecting me from the world

As no one ever had done.

But you’re right.

You can’t protect me,

Don’t even know how to protect yourself –

Well, you’re not that bad at that, actually.

You’ve done a good job of it so far…

Except for those few moments with me.

I apologize to you, Michael.

When you said you were dying

I simply should have said

I’ve always loved you and good-bye.

Never should I have involved you in

The eternal insanity that is my

Love for you. My obsession, maybe.

I am ashamed of myself for pulling

On you so hard; for wanting so much

What you so obviously did not – no matter

How convincing you were.

I am embarrassed beyond belief

To be the butt of your family’s jokes – yet

Again.

That psychic told me many years ago

That this was my last time around –

Unless I really fucked up again, I had

Learned all my lessons. 

I hope she was right.  I am tired.

I am sorry I loved you so much.

Sorry that I believed what I wanted to –

That you felt compelled to play along

With my script out of some sense of

What you owed me.  How horrible is that?

(Funny aside, each time I try to type the word

“How”, I type “Hoe” – Freudian slip, you think?)

My only excuse is that I truly believed

You felt the same way about me.

And those moments were precious to me –

But now, and I suppose it’s mainly vanity –

Now I cringe when I think of them

Because you were only humoring me.

Almost like I was the one dying and you

Were granting me my last wish.

I am tired of whining about this.

The world is tired of hearing it. 

You most of all, I am sure.

Well, it’s a new year

And maybe I can find something

New about which to write.

I hope so.

Again, please accept

My most sincere apologies.

All those times I told you that you

Weren’t in love with me,

You were in love with the “idea” of me —

I was right.

And to answer the question you often asked me,

Yes, I hate it that I am always right, wish I had been wrong –

At least this time.

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