An Old Letter from Michael – #1

Fate has a crummy way of fucking with you when you least expect it  – which, of course, is when you should always expect it!  I found this while looking for Christmas ornaments, it bit me like a snake; and I guess it messed with me so badly because it sounds like it could have been written five months instead of sixteen years ago…Ah, you said you haven’t loved me since back then.  Then how could what you said in the recent past sound the same?  And how did you know exactly how it would be when we DID see each other again?  You really suck.  You said then your resolve was unshakable.  You said it now, too.  I think you need to look up the definition of “unshakable”.  I am not sure why I am posting this, but I am…

Sun. March 29 (93)

10:45 pm

Hi Lady,

I’m back. It was not her, it was JR.  I had to go in and help him for a while at work.  She called while I was there and she won’t be home until tomorrow.  Before I go back to the subject of last night there are some things I want you to know…I am not speaking of last night in detail to torture you or increase your pain.  It’s just that fate has twisted the knife in me before and you and I were kept apart and there are things I want you to know of in case something happens to me or you before we get a chance to see one another again.

Okay, when you were enjoying my “discomfort” in front of the bar, I was thinking of you when you were fourteen.  How incredibly beautiful you were.  And how at twenty-eight everything about you  then had magnified itself (which, by the way, was how I felt when I saw your recent picture).  All of those qualities had come together and as a woman your grace and manner were magnificent.

I guess you sensed how I was feeling because a tear appeared on your cheek.  All I could do was sweep you up in my arms and take you to the bearskin in front of the fire. I lay there holding you and kissing you, your tears mixed with mine.  The joy I felt was almost unbearable.  The passion intensified to a point I’ve never been to before.  Fifteen years of pent up emotion we unleashed on each other.  It was so overwhelming, we could not stop.  There was no reason to now.  We gave each other to each other body and soul; it seemed there would be no end.  Time stood completely still.  All I could feel was the soul I so long had ached to feel.  We were one, at long last.  The pale light of sunrise had begun to light the room before we slept.  And we slept the sleep of contentment and solace, you curled up next to me, naked and unashamed.

Then right on cue the phone rang. Unbelievably it was you.  You hesitated then said, “My eyes are closed, tell me again.”

I did.

Then you said, “Goodnight, Michael.  I love you.”

My sense of wonder is getting the better of me.

You know, something occurred to me last night as I lay here enjoying the thunderstorm outside and talking with you.  God has not damned me at all.  I mean, I blamed him for so long because I thought that if he didn’t mean for us to be together, why did he keep these feelings inside of me alive?  It has hardened me, made me stronger, more so than I ever thought I could be.  I thought I had become embittered, but I’m not.  Only more thankful. 

I lacked the courage before to fight for what I believed in:  You.  That is not so now.  My resolve is unshakable.  I know where I belong.  I feel like a weight has been lifted from me.

I can feel the scars of a lifetime beginning to heal, because I have admitted in my heart what I know is the truth:  I love you…

I mean, was it not truly a miracle that we still remembered, let alone still felt the same way about each other?  I feel like He has taught me the most valuable lesson I’ve ever learned:  Not to take you for granted.  To realize the magnitude of the gift he has given me.  To not just see how special and wonderful you are and how lucky I’ve been.  No, how blessed I have been.  There are vast multitudes of people who have never known what we have known.  I’ve learned to take your love one day at a time and revel in it. 

I was so afraid of the intensity before, feeling it feed and grow, fearing it would destroy me, but that is not the case at all.  It goes stronger each day and I love you more than the last and I find the answer to the gift he has given me:  the keys to the Gates of Heaven itself.

I love you, Lady, and I thank God he has brought the circle around again and that he kept me alive for so long even though I wanted so much to die.

I am strong enough now to realize that even if we never touch, I could never have had peace if I had died.  Only now with the love in my heart could I rest.  I know I will see you on the other side. 

I think he joined us together so long ago so we could learn from one another.  We complement each other; my weaknesses are your strengths and your weaknesses are my strengths. 

If our hopes of this life are given us and we become one again, can you imagine how high we can go?  My mind is limited for such imaginings.  My inspiration is given back to me and my faith is restored.  My hopes and dreams are alive again.  I am so caught up in you and it is exactly where I want to be. The loneliness and desperation are fading at last and I can almost touch you.  Thank you, God!  Thank you!

And thank you, Lady, for listening to my ramblings and being there.  I cannot draw a breath without feeling you in my heart. 

Please know that with my dying breath I will call out the name of my Lady – Robin, oh! Robin!

I love you so very much,

Michael

 

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