Another Random Thought…


It’s odd, but lately all kinds of random little thoughts keep ocurring to me…today I tripped over another one: back in June, when you didn’t tell me the exact truth about someone hurting themself…When you admitted the truth to me about that, and told me that you wanted me to understand how “messed up” you are, well, I asked you then if that was it. Was there anything else about which you weren’t being really honest? Were there any more secrets?? Do you remember your answer? Your answer was, “No, Robin. There are no more secrets. I swear.” And I believed you – because you said we were a team, we were partners, we weren’t going to lie to each other, no matter what, because lack of communication had always been our biggest downfall — lack of honest, not-just-trying-to-say-what-each-thought-the-other -wanted-to-hear communication. Why didn’t you tell me THEN that you didn’t love me?

So now I am to believe that really, you lied to me the whole time? I mean, you must have known by June that you were lying just to make me happy. And yet you went on with it for another two months? Should I be flattered? Was I that good in bed? Nah, I’m sure that wasn’t it. I’m guessing I hadn’t quite filled you to the rim with good feelings by June, so you let me linger on, adoring you, planning for your arrival, letting you into the lives of my son and everyone in my family….because I believed you. Do you know how betrayed my son feels? Even more so, my sister. She was…so happy to have her brother back. Always you were the only one she ever loved and trusted. Ever. Just like me. And even now, months later, she wakes up crying over the wreckage you have left behind. She doesn’t understand why she is so affected by your … performance. I do, though. As you know, our lives have been spent being used and abandoned by every person who was handed the sacred office of protecting us. She never felt abandoned by you because you were a boy when you left, you had no control over what happened. Now, though, it’s a different story. You, like so many others before you, sucked us in, treated us as precious, important, as beloved. Then you threw us away – with no real explanation, no shame, no guilt. At least your family doesn’t know everything. You can explain your distance away as temporary insanity or something…WE aren’t that lucky. We have to live with your rejection of us…

I am pleased, for myself, that I had a few moments with you to find out what it really felt like to be loved (because i believed it then); but I am sorrier than I can say that I wasn’t more careful, like you, and protected everyone else around me from your unknown, unforeseen cruelty. You must really hate me a great deal, Michael, to perpetrate the devastation you have caused without a single glance back. Never would I have pegged you for that kind of man. At least, I never believed you would do that to me — if for no other reason than because we truly were always and always the best friends either could ever have. No one loved either of us as unconditionally and as deeply as we did each other. Or so I thought.

Well, enough of a random thought for now. Sorry it turned into several….




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: