I Didn’t Know It Was the Last Time…

I seem to be very good at writing down the arguments and the confusion; not as good at writing down the pleasant

wolf

The Wolf Howling Outside My Door

 things.  Let me try to remedy that a bit…

The last weekend I saw him, he had come to have breakfast with me and then had left to help his older son pick up and move a door.  He came back…I was pleased as could be to have him back with me for a while longer.  We talked – no arguing – and ultimately, of course, ended up back in bed.

This time, though, was very, very emotional for him.  Emotions had been running high the entire week of my visit – especially the day before when we fought so much.  Anyway, when we made love, he…cried.  A lot.  Our lovemaking was fierce.  My response to him was seemingly unending, as was his response to me – a strange occurrence for both of us, although we were becoming used to it. 

I could feel him trembling, shaking, trying to pull himself away from me, but he could not.  I could feel him trying, desperately, to pull back – emotionally – from me, trying to retrieve what was left of his soul. I also felt it the moment he gave in and let it go.  Once he had given up and let his soul free, our lovemaking became even more…fierce…insistent.  His thrusts were so strong, so deep, so demanding, that I thought for sure we would go through the wall into the next room!

He kept saying that he loved me, that he belonged to me, that I belonged to him.  And he kept crying.  I cried, too (we really are such freaking cry-babies!).

Afterward, he was shattered.  And afraid.  He asked me if I was God and just not telling him.  Never had he let someone get so close to him.  I think he was a little upset with himself because he could not keep me out.  I tried, I promise, to pull back during our lovemaking, tried to help him maintain his façade of aloneness; but it didn’t work.  My soul flew from me and into him and the deed was totally done.  If there was ever any hope of me walking away, it ended in that moment.  Now, no matter what happens, I really can never leave him.  Even if he stays where he is forever.

That’s stupid, you say?  You can, too, walk away, you say, if that’s what you have to do to protect yourself!  Oh, my friends, that is where you are wrong.  You see, when he let me in, when every defense he had ever constructed to protect his true self failed him, when he could no longer deny me – well, when that happened, he handed to me a sacred trust.  A trust, a responsibility, from which I can never turn away.  In that instant he trusted me with everything, absolutely everything that he is.  And I cannot, I will not, let him down ever, ever again.  I can’t.  It would destroy him completely to have given all of himself and then have it all thrown back at him.  I am, therefore, trapped by my love for him, regardless of what happens.

I had hoped that what happened between us that night would bring him closer to me, but it has not.  Rather, it has scared him more than cheered him.  Hopefully that will change.  Hopefully he will come to realize just how much this responsibility means to me.  How much he means to me.  How devastating it was for me, too, when he swallowed whole all that I am.

I can only hope…

I wrote this back in July.  I honestly did not know it would be the last time we would be together, believed we were actually on the brink of having everything of which we’d ever dreamed. I truly did hope it would get better, but instead it got worse.  Now he says it was all a lie, a lie told to make me happy; a lie told in repayment for a lifetime of loving him.  I think I’d have been happier if he had gone on ignoring me.  No, that’s not true.  I am glad to have had the moments with him that I did,  But, lie or not, I still feel the weight of that responsibility, and whatever he chooses to call it, to me, it was not a lie.  It was the only truth I’ve ever known – other than the love of my son…

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: